Journal Deux

Mai huitième, DEUX MILLE douze
(May 8th, 2012)

Today, I would’ve been celebrating a very special year with someone I miss dearly. I would’ve been celebrating ups, downs, trials, and triumphs. Unfortunately, though, my mistakes and poor judgment has intervened with that. No longer do I have the honor of calling him mine. No more do I get to kiss or hold his loving hands. No more. And it is all my own doing.
How can someone live with themselves when they’ve ruined one of the greatest things that God ever gave them?

Mars dixième, DEUX MILLE douze
(March 10th, 2012)

I’m back home for a couple weeks. I’ll be staying until the 25th, and then it’s back to hitting the pavement for a new job. Also, I’m working towards going back to school. I’m going to become a writer. I’m not sure exactly what career in writing – journalist, editor, etc. – but I know that I want to write for a living.
Chris and I will be celebrating 1 year in less than 2 months! I’m so ecstatic. It doesn’t even feel like it’s been a year. It’s crazy. I am so happy. God is so wonderful in all the ups and downs. He’s provided everything I need. He’s led me to this choice for my life, and I think it’s going to be hard, beautiful, and exactly what I need for my life.

douzième Décembre, deux mille onze
(December 1st, 2011)

I miss my family so much. It’s hard being so far away from them. I’m glad that I have fond memories to look back to, though, such as talking with my mum as she cooked. I miss that, but I’m joyous that I at least have that memory to remember.

premier décembre, deux mille onze
(December 1st, 2011)

This afternoon, I spent awhile looking over this year’s entries. So much has changed. I’ve grown up so much, and I’ve given up so much for different chances in life.
For starters, I gave up my fiance for a friendship, that grew to endearment, that grew to love. I had stopped loving my fiance in March of 2010 when certain things in our relationship surfaced suddenly and sickeningly.. It was a hard time, but I felt I should work through it.
I took a chance on another man, and I haven’t looked back. I wondered at first if I was just acting on impulse, but as time has passed, sinister things have come to light, and true selves have been revealed, I have found that, whether based on impulse or not, the decision was right for myself and for him.
I’m back home. I no longer feel isolated. Relationships have dissipated, and others have flourished. Disease has hit my family, but I have faith. Since when have I ever had faith? Since today. Since this grand move. I’m back home, and I’m the happiest woman alive for it.
Sacrifices have been hard, but I have matured. I miss my family so much, but I love and cherish them even more that I know what I am missing.
This year is a new chapter of my life, and I couldn’t be happier. Times are tough, but God is taking care of my heart, my soul; my life.

Vingt septième avril, deux mille onze
(April 27th, 2011)

Scared. Fear is taking over. I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I just want to cry. And scream. That sounds good too.

Avril quatrième, deux mille onze
(April 4th, 2011)

Feeling . . . belittled. I feel like I’m not as important to you, because you’ve known this other person longer than you’ve known me, and ‘she knows you better’ than I do. Is this . . . selfish?
I’m also feeling like I’m craving Jesus. I know this sounds strange, but all I want to do lately is read the bible. Now if only I could just . . . do it.

Mars neuvième session, deux mille onze
(March 9th, 2011)

Feeling replaced. Am I selfish to feel this way?

Février vingt-sixième, deux mille onze
(February 26th, 2011)

Back burner. Hurt beyond belief. Had enough. Don’t know what to do.

Février tiers, deux mille onze
(February 3rd, 2011)

I am weak. I am not strong. But, I have everything that anyone could ever need. A roof over my head. Food in my stomach. A family. A wonderful fiance. A beautiful, amazing best friend. People who love me. God. What else do I need?
I am unhappy with where I am right now, but I know that it will get better. It always goes up. I am thankful for the good I have in my life. I may feel like I’m nothing; worthless; useless, but I am not. God sees something in me. I CAN do this. No matter how much I dislike being around someone. No matter how isolated I may feel. I am not alone, and I CAN do this (with God).

septième Janvier, deux mille onze
(January 17th, 2011)

I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue doing something that feels wrong, yet I HAVE to do it. I feel depressed, every day. I’m failing one of my classes because I’m not good enough. I’m working hard, I’m listening and reading and doing my best to learn, but I’m just not retaining it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like crying all the time. I just want to give up. I feel alone.
What if I’m doing the wrong thing? It feels wrong. What if I’m failing because I’m not supposed to be doing it, or I’m not good enough? I’m not good enough. I’m a worthless person who can’t even transcribe a 30 second tape. I listen over and over and over again, yet I don’t understand the words. I search for what I think I hear, and I can’t find it. I send in my work with 3 reports transcribed. 3. That’s it. That’s how many I can understand. That’s how many it takes to completely drain me.
I feel completely alone. I feel like I can’t go to those who say I can go to them. I feel like, with one friendship, I’m the only one putting anything into it. I’m the only one whose always there. I’m the only one who keeps to my word.
I’m at my ropes end. Isn’t this when God is supposed to swoop in and perform a miracle? Well, I’ve been waiting. I’ve been praying. I’ve let go of it all. And yet I’m still depressed. I’m still crying all the time. I’m still unmotivated. I’m still failing at everything.
What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?

Décembre Vingt-neuvième session, deux mille dix
(December 29th, 2010)

When I see him, I see a man struggling to keep his head above water. I see glimpses of a lost childhood. I see a frightened individual. I see a facade of a fearless person. He is afraid. He is sweet, loving, full of everything I want and need, yet he is one whose pain I cannot understand. I feel it, but there is a veil dividing my hand from his heart, his mind . . . his soul.

Dix-neuvième Décembre, deux mille dix
(December 19th, 2010)

I’ve been really great lately. God has been showing me mistakes I keep making. Now it’s my turn to make the choice whether I want Him to help me fix these. Today, I’m choosing yes. (:
I need to start writing in my normal journal more often. I think it would be amazing if I finished it . . .
My brother is visiting. I haven’t seen him for a year and a half or so. It’s nice to visit with him (:
Christmas is so close! I’m so excited for it. I’m just happy. (:

Novembre Vingt-sixième session, deux mille dix
(November 26th, 2010)

Life. It is beautiful. For some reason, I am just happy. Lately I feel so content and happy, no matter what’s going on. No, life isn’t perfect right now. I have people in my life struggling to stay happy. I’ve been cut hours in my job, so it is harder to save for our lovely day and buy things I need or save for important things I need to save for. But I’m just . . . happy. I’m content with my life. I feel . . . Aha! I feel peaceful! I am at peace. Amidst all this turmoil in my life, I am at peace in my heart. Only because of Jesus though. I am only happy, content, and peaceful in my heart because of Jesus. It is a beautiful thing, and I am so thankful for it.

Novembre Troisièmement, deux mille dix
(November 3rd, 2010)

I am angry. I am hurt. I am tired of negativity. How would you like it if someone close to you was constantly negative about the person you love? I hate it that you do that. It makes me so mad.
And you. Leaving me here while you’re out doing only God knows what. What happened to I’m here for you no matter what? You never speak to me. You drop off the face of the planet for a few days. You don’t even say goodbye anymore when we are RIGHT in the middle of a conversation. I feel like you’re replacing me, and it hurts, but are you going to listen? You’re hurting me. Do you care? I feel like I can’t speak to you about anything going on in my life. I feel like it doesn’t matter to you. Will you show me different? I wish you would. I’m tired of feeling so alone. I’m tired of the excuse “I’m busy”. So am I, but I make time for you because that’s what you do in a friendship. How would you like it if I treated you this way, or made you feel this way? You wouldn’t. You’d cry, just like I do every night. But who cares, right? That’s what friends are for, right? To just walk all over and ignore unless you need them?
I am angry. I am hurt. I am in pain, every day, because of you.

Vingt et unième Septembre, deux mille dix
(September 21st, 2010)

Why is it that the people closest to you hurt you the most, when they care so much about you, and you care so much about them?
I miss you. I’m always here for you, no matter who you are or what you do.

Dix-septième Septembre, deux mille dix
(September 17th, 2010)

I am so tired of feeling like I have no one to speak to when I’m at my wits’ end. I’m tired of trying to speak and then having someone completely interrupt me and freak out on me about it, to the point where I don’t want to speak and I just drop it. I’m tired of feeling bad for saying things that need to be said, even if it hurts a little. I’m sorry, but the truth hurts sometimes. I’m tired of never wanting to be open, because I know the process, I know the outcome; being open. Freak out. Being told that you feel like crap every day. Closing up. Made to feel bad for closing up. Repeat process.
I’m tired of people I care about leaving me in the dark because they know what they’re doing is wrong, and they know that I’m the kind of friend to not let them get away with it and hold them accountable. I’m tired of being spoken to when they know they’re not doing anything wrong, or when they’re not with someone who does things that are stupid, immature and dangerous.
I’m tired of being told “I’m so alone.” I’m alone too, but I don’t act on it. I don’t potentially destroy things because I am so alone. Or maybe I do . . .
I’m tired of being left behind. I’m tired of . . . I’m tired of feeling alone, because of two of the people I care about most.

Août Vingt-quatrième, deux mille dix
(August 24th, 2010)

My family has done so much for me lately, I’m very thankful. I don’t know how to show this to them though. My mum, especially, even though she hasn’t been feeling well, has put up with me and my visitors. To be honest, I don’t deserve my family. I take them for granted too much when they do so much for me. And they keep doing it for me. Its amazing . . . I truly am blessed. I hope, when I have a family of my own someday, that my husband and I have this quality that my parents have; that we just keep doing our best for our kids, no matter how they treat us or see us. We just keep loving them and giving them our all.

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