Journal

Juillet Vingt-quatrième, deux mille dix
(July 24th, 2010)

Life is really good. I’m hurting for home, though. I miss my best friends. I miss being able to hug Kevin. I miss my church. I miss it all ): Its hard being so far away sometimes. I wish things were more lenient to where I could drive up or bus up or something, but God knows what’s best, doesn’t He?

Juillet septième, deux mille dix
(July 7th, 2010)

Life is good. Why am I complaining? I’m such a child sometimes. Aren’t we all? I have all the time in the world to move forward, and as of today I’m going to remember that whenever I feel stuck (: It seems pointless to complain when God has given me so many blessings. Hopefully He’ll help me grow out of that.

Juillet cinquième, deux mille dix
(July 5th, 2010)

Can’t next year get here any quicker? Just because you’re above me doesn’t mean that you’re always right. Its not how it works. You’re wrong, and I’m tired of you teaching me that. Learn a new curriculum, because the one you use right now is backwards.

Trentième mai, deux mille dix
(May 30th, 2010)

Worst part of going home: I have to leave again. It hurts . . . Its like opening an old wound.

Vingt-deuxième mai, deux mille dix
(May 22nd, 2010)

I can’t believe, that in 5 days I will finally see him. Finally be able to hug him again, kiss him, hold him . . . I miss him so much. I hate being so far from him, especially when one of us is hurting or in trouble. Its torture. God is putting us through this trial for a reason though, so I will trust Him.
I love him, so much . . .

Avril vingt-cinquième, deux mille dix
(April 25th, 2010)

Why am I so stupid?

Avril vingt-troisième, deux mille dix
(April 23rd, 2010)

I’m a lot happier, thanks to Jesus. I’m learning more and more about my passion, art, and counting down the days ’til I can begin teaching myself more things about Photography, and maybe creating a portfolio. I am so excited!
Inside, I’m still a little hurt. But hey, life happens and I have to look at the good. I knew this may happen someday, and I’m a strong girl with a strong heart. I can do this. We can do this. Only with God, though.

Avril dix-neuvième, deux mille dix
(April 19th, 2010)

This. Hurts.

That is all.

Avril dixième, deux mille dix
(April 10th, 2010)

I have been so immature these days. I am ashamed of the way I have been behaving. I’ve acted like a child. I haven’t been going to God for help to guide me, and its a shameful thing to admit. I am beginning to see just how wrong I have been. I humble myself for you, God, please heal me and help me see what the right thing to do is. Help me to let go of my wrong and ignore the wrong of others (if there is any) and focus more on looking to You for all help and guidance. I need to focus on You, in order to fix me, so then I can be the young woman You want me to be, that my parents want me to be, and that I want myself to be. I can only do that through you though, Jesus.
Please . . . please help me be less selfish and self-centered. I need You God! Only You can fix this
Selfish, worthless being and make me something great.
Lastly. . . Thank you, for everything that You do for me that I am blind to from my self-centered ways.
You do so much for me . . . thank you.

Mars neuvième, deux mille dix
(March 9th, 2010)

I miss my best friend so much. I’m so scared for her and worried about her. Please, please God protect her from any harm 😦

Février Vingt-deuxième, deux Dix Mille
(February 22nd, 2010)

I want to be God’s dove. I want to stay with God all my life, and never leave His side. I want Him to guide me, rather than me guide myself.
I want to also be my future husband’s dove. I want to always be faithful to him, and to stay by his side through thick and thin. I can only do this through God, though. He will keep me steady, and He will give me the strength, courage and patience to always stand by my husband.
I want to be the great example that the bible talks about when referring to a wife. I want to be THAT kind of wife, who is the worth of rubies. Only through God, though, will I be this wife.
Today is a good day. Today, I choose God.

Vingtième Février, deux mille dix
(February 19th, 2010)

Today is a good day. Today, I only take in this day. Today, I choose to do things God’s way, rather than my own. Today . . . I am happy. Today, I have the power to let things ruin my happiness or to shrug them off and let God handle it. Today is nice for a change (:

Février sixième, deux mille dix
(February 6th, 2010)

Today, I asked someone very close and dear to me to temporarily – if not indefinitely – give up his biggest and only dream. I feel like a monster. I feel like someone who just stole a child’s favorite toy. And, along with that, my empathy has me feeling like I lost something dear and close to me. The thing is, though, if this is just how I feel . . . imagine how he feels?

Novembre Vingt-sixième, deux mille neuf
(November 26th, 2009)

I am thankful for…
God: For providing me with such a loving, mentally-sane family; a family that cherishes me, makes fun of me, and puts me in my place when I’m being an utter bitch.
I’m thankful for Him helping me become the strong woman I am today. I still have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of me, and I thank Him for staying with me through it all, even when I fall and hide. I’m thankful for Him providing for me, and for Him clearing my mind to show me where I need to be and helping me fulfill my dreams.
This House: I am thankful for this wonderful house that God has provided for my family. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and wonderful, nourishing (organic) food to eat. It has a beautiful backyard for my wonderful mother to grow and take care of God’s beautiful creations. I have a beautiful view outside my window to remind me every day how blessed I am, even though I may not feel so all the time.
My Family: I am thankful for my wonderful family. They are in no way perfect, but they are just what I need in my life. They provide me with stable ground to walk on. They bring me back down to Earth when I’m being proud. They let me know that they are there to comfort me if I ever need to be. They also provide me with a constant comedy skit; they provide me with a life full of laughter and joy. They show me examples of the kind of woman I want to be – and don’t want to be. I love them all.
Kevin: I am utterly thankful for Kevin. He is also in no way perfect, but he loves God with all of his heart, and I am thankful for that. He provides me with comfort and love, and he does his best for me. He puts me first, and he always has me in mind. It surprises me daily the things he remembers that I say.
I am thankful for the way he treats me. He’s honest with me, but not brutally honest unless it’s absolutely needed. He treats me as if I am a princess :] and always tells me I’m beautiful, even if I’m dirty and don’t look very nice.
Most of all, I am thankful for his humble, passionate love for me, and I am thankful that God has helped me return the same feeling full force.
Olivia: I am thankful for my best friend. I am thankful that, even in her most dire circumstances, she still puts up with me. I am thankful for the joy she brings in my life daily. I am thankful for the laughter she brings in my life. I am also thankful for the great times we always have together. I love this girl to death, and I am thankful that God brought her into my life to always be my best friend :]
The People Whom Have Come and Gone: Whether by death or choice, I am thankful for the people God has brought in my life. They were there for a reason at that time, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for what each individual taught me, and I will keep it close to my heart always.

I am thankful to be full of joy and laughter :]

Novembre Douzième, deux mille neuf
(November 12th, 2009)

I miss my home. It’s pretty out here, but the green doesn’t come even close to home. It’s a lot brighter here, but it doesn’t . . . it just doesn’t come close.
I’m thankful for a roof over my head. I’m thankful for the clothes on my back. I’m also thankful for God and my friends’ patience and love in enduring this trying time.

I miss you . . .

Novembre abord, deux mille neuf
(November 1st, 2009)

I am very blessed. How could God have thought that I deserved such a wonderful man to spend my life with? I can’t wrap my mind around it.
I wish I didn’t have to leave this home behind, but . . . it will be okay. We will make it through this. I will be back; I will begin my journey of creating a photography business, and I will begin my life . . . maybe even as a married woman (: who knows what God will bring in my path; all I know is that it will be grand. It will be perfect.

Octobre trente et unième, deux mille neuf
(October 31st, 2009)

It’s hard to leave your home behind; and that’s what I’m doing. I’m leaving him, my best friend; so many people I care about. Fortunately, though . . . it is only for a year and a half. I earn my certificate, and I’m back where I belong for the time being. Although, it will be nice to ride around a town without having to be paranoid that there is a man around the corner waiting to snatch pretty little girls away from what they know.
I am afraid that those left behind are afraid that they will be nothing to me once I am gone. I don’t want them to feel that way, and I’m going to do everything I possibly can to let them know that no, they are not nothing to me simply because of our distance.
I am sure that God has this under control for me. I’m leaving because He has a certain plan for me, and it’ll be the best plan for my life.

Octobre Vingtième, deux mille neuf
(October 20th, 2009)

I normally do not allow people to get to me. I don’t let their harsh words or actions affect me; I’m laid back and let it roll right off. Today, though, I was unable. I have been close to letting myself cry ever since I returned home from my class, and I don’t like it.

Why did I let one imbecile affect me so negatively? So, he has a bit of a spiff with me that only God knows about – who cares?

I think the reason may be behind the fact that this imbecile used to be a decent friend. He would talk to me, let me rant, and put up with my idiocy when he didn’t have to. If he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, that is fine by me, but does this mean I need to lay low and let him disrespect me every chance he gets?

No, this does not mean that I allow myself to be disrespected and treated as if I’m not even human. But, it doesn’t give me a right to react in a disrespectful way – or in violence.

Lately I’ve been hungry to learn – specifically about photography. I want to learn all I can about it – even before I begin to earn my degree for it.

Octobre douzième, deux mille neuf
(October 12th, 2009)

Why do words have such power? How can one simple word create a picture – a beautiful picture – of the rest of your life, and yet the same word can destroy what you thought could never be broken?

Septembre vingt-sixième, deux mille neuf
(September 26th, 2009)

I am an adult in my childhood, yet an infant in my adulthood. Interesting way to look at it.
I am relearning how to use my words, but in the ways of an adult. I have learned how to speak like a child and a teenager fluently, but I know nothing of speaking like an adult.  And so begins my journey . . .

Septembre Neuvième deux mille neuf
(September 9th, 2009)

I am a robin. A pretty red robin. I like to fly, and try things new. I go hither and thither, but hate to say adieu.
I am having a good day. It is gray, but it is a good day. Life is beginning. Slowly, but beginning . . .

Vingt-sixième août deux mille neuf
(August 26th, 2009)

I feel like painting. Mixing colors to create something new. I do not not how to paint though. I don’t have the tools needed to create something beautiful, yet.

Août Vingt-deuxième, deux mille neuf
(August 22nd, 2009)

I like my daddy’s shoes. They are too big, but comfortable. They are always there when I don’t have shoes of my own; always handy to help me when I need a shoe.

Vingtième août, deux mille neuf
(August 20th, 2009)

I have realized, as of last night, that I no longer look forward to growing old.
No, it’s not a vanity thing like most would think. It is a . . . well, I simply do not look forward to more frequently seeing someone I care about in the hospital in pain, dying, or anything of the sort. I am beginning to realize that growing up does not contain more freedom, but only more pain, suffering, and responsibility.

The responsibility part I am not afraid of. But, as someone who is quite empathetic,  I am more afraid of seeing those I love in more pain. My eyes have been sheltered for 18 years, and are slowly beginning to see what really lies ahead.
Now, does this make me shrink back to my little corner, shielding my body from what is before me? No. But it gives me more of an understanding, and better prepares me for what is coming. Better to know than to be ignorant, I think. I would rather at least have an idea of what kind of toils could possibly be ahead, rather than be a completely ignorant fool.

I may add more later.

Dix-neuvième août, deux mille neuf
(August 19th, 2009)

I suppose I had a sort of revelation today. I spoke with someone I normally try not to, because every time I do my stomach rolls over and threatens to throw away what little bit of food it contains. She was crying, which is something I never thought I would hear. She was extremely upset, and automatically all my malicious feelings towards her melted into a mixture of confusion, anger, and empathy.

She is not the Satan Spawn I have been led to believe she is. She is only trying to do what is best in the situation we are all so tangled with. I feel ashamed for making it only harder for the poor woman. She was apologizing profusely for putting me through all of this, and thanked me for being so patient.

Me? Patient? I suppose I am. I don’t really feel patient, but do we ever really feel the same as who we are? It doesn’t seem likely. Some of us value ourselves as a ‘humble, open individual’, when in reality we are prideful and enjoy shooting down others’ opinions and thoughts.

I’m not really sure who to trust with this situation (people-wise). I keep going back and forth. Maybe someone has been leaving some information out, or maybe not. It’s all very confusing. I should try not being confused for once. Maybe I should get incense, or do Pilates.

I need to widen my vocabulary. My stream of descriptive, intelligent, mesmerizing words seems to have dried out. I used to be full of them but, seemingly, I have forgotten about them.

Until tomorrow . . .

Kate Havnevik – Nowhere Warm

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One thought on “Journal

  1. Hey Tay, where are you? I Just read your post and you said your missing home. I miss you too!!

    Aileen 🙂

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