Reflections Are for Mirrors, Part One – Post Six-Hundred-Nine

I suppose the main reason why I’ve never been quite good at reflections is because I try to live for today. Not for yesterday, not for tomorrow, but for today. I try not to dwell too much on my past, or focus too hard on my future. If I do, I’m afraid I might miss something beautiful God gave me right this moment. A little reflection here and there is healthy though. How else will we learn from our mistakes? I think I’ll only reflect on the most significant months, though.
So . . .

March, 2011: I spent my first spring break vacation on an adventure! The first Saturday I got to Portland I met with a ton of friends at the Portland Saturday Market. I crossed off 2 items off of It. I spent a week at my old friend, Haley’s, house, and drama after drama ensued.
I lost a friendship with her due to her and mine mistakes. She did things to lose my trust, and I used her irresponsibly. In the end, though I’m not sure for her, but it was a gain for me. Overall, the spring break was a good trip. It was my first trip on a bus, and I adored it. I met a young girl named Sydney who was brilliant, beautiful, and refreshing to speak with.

What I learned:

  1. The good is not always worth the bad.
  2. Negative behavior is contagious.
  3. Strangers are not always scary men with briefcases.

May, 2011: I was lead away from the man I thought was to be my one and true, and lead to someone I never thought I’d be with, but I always secretly hoped shared my feelings. The man I thought was to be my one was, indeed, not. Neither of us were true to the other with our emotions. We did love each other, but, now looking back on it, I believe it was an unhealthy, dependent love. One was always supporting the other, until the other collapsed and said, ‘enough’. I learned so much from that relationship, but I also gained a bunch of unhealthy habits that I’m breaking.
I then ended it, but in the wrong way. I did not feel it was his right to know about this other man. I was not planning on starting a relationship with him anytime soon at that moment, so I felt it was none of his business. This only caused him more hurt and harm than good in the end, and it is my greatest regret of this past year.
On a more positive note, I began a deeper friendship with the man I’d cared for 3 or 4 years. A voice whispered to me, “let him know.” And so I did. I didn’t look back, either, and I don’t think I’ve been this happy, joyful, and content for a long time.

What I learned:

  1. Always tell the whole truth.
  2. Listen to that small voice.
  3. You’re not always right.

June, 2011: I cut off all communication with my ex, which was very freeing. We tried being friends, but he put me through a rollercoaster to the point where it was damaging my health. I felt I deserved everything he dished out; how he was treating me, how he would say he wanted to be friends and then call me and angrily announce he wanted nothing to do with me. I felt like I deserved it all. Eventually, though, I told him enough was enough. It was unhealthy for both of us; he wasn’t healing, and neither was I.
I decided not to go back to school. If you remember, I was studying Medical Transcription. For my winter term I had failed 2 classes: Grammar and reports. I had become lazy; for my spring term I worked hard. I spent long hours studying and giving it my all. I shut my phone off and stayed away from all social network sites in order to concentrate hard on what I was doing. I passed my grammar class the second time, but the reports class I failed a second time. I decided it wasn’t worth another $600 on top of the $2300 loan and $900 for the rest of the term, not mentioning more time to achieve something I didn’t want for my life, anyway. With all that put together, I quit. I was so scared to tell my parents. I was fearful they would be disappointed in me. They were understanding, though, and proud of me for giving it my all.
On a happy note: My eldest brother got married! I didn’t get to go to the wedding, but my dad was the minister, and my brother married a beautiful woman that I am so happy to call my sister-in-law.

What I learned:

  1. It’s not always going to turn out like you think.
  2. I deserve better than that.
  3. Always give it your 110%.

July: In July I made my second-to-last trip up to Portland. I spent 2 weeks job searching, with nothing turning up. I met up with my ex’s grandmother to return some of his stuff to her and felt very awkward. I spent more time getting to know Chris, and we made our relationship official. I also decided, officially, that I was going to move back home to Portland.

What I learned:

  1. God always has perfect timing.
  2. Patience is a virtue.

August, 2011: On August 26th, 2011, I officially moved back home! I was so ecstatic! I had $1300, a place to stay for awhile, and I was home where I belonged. I did a few photo shoots before I left for extra money, spent as much time as I could with my friend, Madison, and my family, and then left. I found that my whole life, materialistically-speaking, was compressed down to 4 med. boxes, 4 book boxes, and one randomly-shaped box. I threw out things I no longer needed, and donated what I thought could be useful to someone else. I packed 2 beastly suitcases, bought my ticket, kissed my mum on the cheek, and left. The first weekend back I spent with my old church, Chris, and friends camping. I spent one night in two sleeping bags under the stars with Chris. We stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning. What a beautiful way to start a new chapter.

What I learned:

  1. Redmond is not the only place you can see the stars.
  2. I can live without most of what we think we can’t.
  3. My family is most important to me.

December, 2011: I was officially hired on to be a receptionist for a local staffing agency. God provided just the right job at just the right time. I spent my first Christmas away from home, and it was hard, but Chris and his family (well, my family too, if you think about it) made it a little easier. God provided everything I needed this year, from food, to a job, to a beautiful, quirky bunch of additions to my already beautiful family.

What I learned:

  1. I need to go out of my comfort zone more often.
  2. Family is not just blood.
  3. Jesus provides for all needs, and knows all needs.

All in all: I learned I can sketch. I started learning Hindi and Spanish. I learned that, when I am in doubt, I should slap myself silly, because God will always provide. I crossed of a wonderful amount of It’s items. I learned that I am a strong, independent young woman. I learned that I can truly do anything if I set my mind to it. All in all… this year was beautiful in all its struggles, hurt, kindness, and passion. I wouldn’t change for the world.

Au revoir,



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s